There are 4 attachment styles in attachment theory; Secure, Avoidant, Anxious and Disorganized. Knowing your attachment style, along with your partner, child or parent’s style can truly strengthen your relationships. The focus on the subtype of Dismissive Avoidant is due to a long standing history I have of surrounding myself with people who hurt me through avoidant behaviors. My primary attachment style is secure, with Disorganized being secondary. I have been primarily disorganized within my lifetime and have grown into a secure attachment style through significant inner work.
The Dismissive Avoidant values independence and self reliance. To an extreme. Closeness in relationships can feel uncomfortable or threatening. They prefer to handle problems alone rather than seeking support. They may appear emotionally stoic or difficult to read, minimizing and repressing their most vulnerable feelings. They do not like intense emotional discussions or expressing themselves relative to their own emotions. They value autonomy and personal space and may pull away when a relationship becomes to emotionally intimate. They can send mixed signals of interest, then disinterest. They avoid deeper discussions and have difficulty asking for help and tend to be logical and solution focused vs emotionally reactive. They dismiss their own emotional concerns of self and others. They are quiet, withdrawn and unavailable during conflict. They see themselves as capable, independent, self sufficient without any need for emotional support and don’t recognize when they need connection oftentimes. Under stress, they need more space from others and usually manage this through withdrawal. This comes easy to them because they rationalize the distance instead of addressing feelings.
The Dismissive Avoidant’s pattern of connection to others has been established in childhood through their own emotional needs being unmet, unseen and unheard. The child develops this protective adaptation of “I don’t need people” because they learn depending on people doesn’t feel safe and/or useful, so “I’ll depend on myself instead”. This becomes a subconscious adaptation, (we are only aware of 5% of what we think and the other 95% is stored in our subconscious). Once this maladaptive pattern of connection takes root, the attachment style promotes avoidance and avoidance does not make for true, connected emotional intimacy. In essence they are unable to form a securely attached relationship. Everything sits at the surface and it takes time, energy, effort and primarily understanding to uproot this little beast. But it can be done.
A Covert Narcisisst is a variant of an Overt Narcissist that appears different than the typical charismatic, all knowing Narcissist we see on a daily basis. This type of Narcisissist’s character traits are much more quiet, vulnerable, indirect or defensive. They are sensitive to rejection or criticism and experience ordinary feedback as a personal attack, but God forbid they show it. They chronically feel misunderstood or unappreciated. They wear a victim identity, quietly. They feel entitled but don’t openly demand what they feel entitled to because they carry resentment, they exhibit coldness or calousness, they employ sarcasm, they engage in subtle digs, they relationally withdraw or use passive aggressive behavior rather than being direct, “I’m not angry at all”. They have great difficulty taking responsibility. They limit empathy once their own feelings are activated. They devalue someone readily, they primarily withdraw as punishment and they experience significant comparison, envy and jealousy when someone else is doing well. They have great difficulty expressing genuine vulnerability and their relationships only serve themselves and are primarily one-sided.
The Narcissists internal pattern goes like this, “I’m hurt” by what they perceive as a slight which then builds resentment. This resentment leads to the indirect behavior of devaluation, (devaluing the person who hurt them). Next, they are unable to take accountability and therefore sit proudly in their Victim chair of blame and discard their perceived perpetrator.
Both types of patterns and personalities stem from the same source, childhood trauma. With a Dismissive Avoidant, there is possibility for outgrowing these patterns. It is important to know that the Dismissive Avoidant does not want to hurt you and they fear abandonment equally as much as the other attachment styles. With Covert Narcissism, there is minimal possibility they will ever be able to take accountability for causing pain and truly be capable of caring for others. It is important to know that the Covert Narcissist wants to hurt you because they are hurt and that is how you can tell the difference. Typically the Covert Narcissist will be a Dismissive Avoidant by default, in my opinion.
Moreover, if someone is both, there will be a lot of superficial connections, masking and avoidant behaviors. The bottom line is they will hurt people because they are hurt people, but it is not always an actual hurt that occurs at the hands of their perpetrator, all it takes is the perception that they are hurt. Once they believe someone has hurt them and they are unwilling to talk to the other person, that is the most telling component that you are dealing with a Covert Narcissist.
Knowledge is power and if you want to learn about yourself and your needs, take the Attachment Style quiz below in order to develop more healthy ways of relating to others in the world around you.
